One of my goals while in Japan was to read and write more. I figured I would have a lot of extra time on my hands that I could devote to these things that I had neglected in college. The reading has slowly been coming along. The writing has been a bit more difficult. Although I completed Nanowrimo (writing 50,000 words in the month of November) last year, the content I was working with was a story line I had been dreaming up for years and years. Frankly, I'm sick of it. As I've gotten older and imposed limits on my once absurdly limitless imagination (one cannot live in a dream world ALL THE TIME), I've had difficulty coming up with new material.
However, it seems as though I might be finally conquering this obstacle, or at least climbing up it a bit. I wrote my first short story in over a year last week (please see previous post). Also, I started work on co-writing our AJET production for this winter, our very own 'Treasure Island.' It's not an original piece, but there will be a lot of original thought going into it. We'll be adapting it to Japan in a way, with Japanese characters, locales, and jokes. I'm super excited. It's going to be a ton of fun.
I'm hoping to be almost finished with the first draft by November. Hopefully, I'll still have time to participate in Nanowrimo this year, which brings me to my third point. I think I may have found a group of characters to write about in November. I've already realized that plot is not my strong point. I have to start out with a group of characters and situations and find the plot from there. I suppose this weakness probably has something to do with the fact that my favorite part about writing is the dialogue NOT the narrative. However, I've realized that some novels aren't necessarily dominated by an over-arching plot, but rather are just about people with relatively interesting lives. All this to say, I can't wait for November. I have a little over a month to work out some ideas and then I could start on my third novel attempt! I'm quite excited for this.
One last thing I've been thinking about: when I've approached writing in the past, it has often been as a perfectionist. I read my work with disgust sometimes because it didn't meet some standard I had set. I've realized this is the last attitude I should have about my writing. I'm an amateur. I'm probably even less worth-while than an amateur. I should write, not because I expect myself to write the next NY Times bestseller but because I want more practice and because it's fun. I enjoy writing. I like creating. If I'm lucky, my mom and my boyfriend will read it, and that will be it, and that will be okay.
So, here's to someday writing something pretty cool, but for now, being okay with less than mediocre :)
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
New Short Story: Expensive Brownies
Please head over to my creative blog to check it out. :)
http://evidentialparadoxes.wordpress.com/2010/09/13/expensive-brownies/
http://evidentialparadoxes.wordpress.com/2010/09/13/expensive-brownies/
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
And we begin again
Kody arrived September 1, which means that I'm no longer a lonely, lonely girl. :) His job is about a 45 minute drive, and while I won't make it everyday (due to gas expenses and keeping my life in order), I'll definitely get to see him 2 or 3 times a week I think. He doesn't have a car, but I do, and that's going to make this year a lot easier all around.
This summer was a breath, and now it's gone. I went to Tokyo twice on JET business. My hotel room looked out on the Notre-Dame-inspired Tokyo City Office, or “Tochyou” as they say in Japanese. It was quite fun. And the beach, the beach in Tokushima is wonderful. I must have gone swimming over 10 times this summer, sometimes several times a week. We can still swim because of the heat, but there's an increasing risk of jelly-fish stings, which curtails my enthusiasm.
And now September is here and we have record heat. It's been in the 90s all week, if not over 100, and though today it says 87, the humidity is probably through the roof judging from the cloud cover outside. This is when I bless my car. Last year at this time, I was putting on slacks and nice shirts and getting nice dark freckles due to the 8 am sun that greeted me on the way to work. I don't have pimples, except in Japan, where I sweat like an overexcited puppy.
One year changes a lot. Everything comes in stride now. The stress is gone. Frustration remains at times, but the stress has ebbed. I have a favorite bakery where I buy my favorite bread. I know the cheapest place to buy shredded cheese and ground beef and chicken. I know how to use my japanese microwave oven to make banana bread, and I've learned the secret to keeping my apartment cool without topping $100 in electricity fees. I can bumble my way through buying almost anything, and I no longer squirm when I spend $12 on ingredients to make dinner or $4 on a 12 ounce jar of pasta sauce. I eat sashimi as if it were cheese, and rice as if it were bread. My coffee addiction is worse. Notice how almost all of these have to do with food: Japan has forced me to cook – for a lack of anything else to do.
I've also learned how to use my extra time at work. Novels, Japanese, GRE books, writing, and budgeting fill the black whole that is free time. Goodbye yahoo news and celebrity gossip. Oh dear those were the dark ages. Okay, so I sometimes play Settlers of Catan online, but only sometimes. ;) I'm still struggling to tame the wild beast that is evenings alone at home, but I think I'm getting better. The cooking has helped with this a lot. And I'm sure that having Kody so close will help as well. I'll have fewer evenings to myself, which means I'll have to be more careful with them.
In a week and a half, I'm off to visit ReBekha in Okinawa! It will be the first time I've been, even though I promised her long ago that I would come visit. It will be really nice, after just having gotten back into school, to just run off for over a week. I'm wonderfully excited. Though I might come home and be more discontent than ever. I hear she has great cafes. Hmmmmm. I'm hoping to convince Kody to go to Kyoto with me in October or November for my birthday. As always, it's difficult because it's so ridiculously expensive to travel in Japan, and Kyoto might even be worse than Tokyo. However, it's also one of the most famous and beautiful places, so we have to go.
I'm going to end this now. (That sounds like I'm breaking-up with this blog – ha) I'm afraid this might be terribly boring, but oh well. My writer ego is not so strong anymore.
This summer was a breath, and now it's gone. I went to Tokyo twice on JET business. My hotel room looked out on the Notre-Dame-inspired Tokyo City Office, or “Tochyou” as they say in Japanese. It was quite fun. And the beach, the beach in Tokushima is wonderful. I must have gone swimming over 10 times this summer, sometimes several times a week. We can still swim because of the heat, but there's an increasing risk of jelly-fish stings, which curtails my enthusiasm.
And now September is here and we have record heat. It's been in the 90s all week, if not over 100, and though today it says 87, the humidity is probably through the roof judging from the cloud cover outside. This is when I bless my car. Last year at this time, I was putting on slacks and nice shirts and getting nice dark freckles due to the 8 am sun that greeted me on the way to work. I don't have pimples, except in Japan, where I sweat like an overexcited puppy.
One year changes a lot. Everything comes in stride now. The stress is gone. Frustration remains at times, but the stress has ebbed. I have a favorite bakery where I buy my favorite bread. I know the cheapest place to buy shredded cheese and ground beef and chicken. I know how to use my japanese microwave oven to make banana bread, and I've learned the secret to keeping my apartment cool without topping $100 in electricity fees. I can bumble my way through buying almost anything, and I no longer squirm when I spend $12 on ingredients to make dinner or $4 on a 12 ounce jar of pasta sauce. I eat sashimi as if it were cheese, and rice as if it were bread. My coffee addiction is worse. Notice how almost all of these have to do with food: Japan has forced me to cook – for a lack of anything else to do.
I've also learned how to use my extra time at work. Novels, Japanese, GRE books, writing, and budgeting fill the black whole that is free time. Goodbye yahoo news and celebrity gossip. Oh dear those were the dark ages. Okay, so I sometimes play Settlers of Catan online, but only sometimes. ;) I'm still struggling to tame the wild beast that is evenings alone at home, but I think I'm getting better. The cooking has helped with this a lot. And I'm sure that having Kody so close will help as well. I'll have fewer evenings to myself, which means I'll have to be more careful with them.
In a week and a half, I'm off to visit ReBekha in Okinawa! It will be the first time I've been, even though I promised her long ago that I would come visit. It will be really nice, after just having gotten back into school, to just run off for over a week. I'm wonderfully excited. Though I might come home and be more discontent than ever. I hear she has great cafes. Hmmmmm. I'm hoping to convince Kody to go to Kyoto with me in October or November for my birthday. As always, it's difficult because it's so ridiculously expensive to travel in Japan, and Kyoto might even be worse than Tokyo. However, it's also one of the most famous and beautiful places, so we have to go.
I'm going to end this now. (That sounds like I'm breaking-up with this blog – ha) I'm afraid this might be terribly boring, but oh well. My writer ego is not so strong anymore.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Thai no tabemono, onegaishimas?
That's translated, Thai food please?
I discovered Thai food in Seattle with ReBekha. I can't quite remember the first time I had it; actually, it might have been with Meghan Young. But ReBekha and I explored more Thai opportunities in the great metropolis. There was this cute little place in Kirkland we went to the day of our JET interviews. It was lovely and I think she got an adorable picture of me looking as though the sconce on the back wall was on top of my head. We would also buy kits from Safeway on our meager college budgets (these were definitely a splurge!), and we would make it at our apartments. My favorite was Pad Thai of course with bean sprouts and cilantro and lime and peanuts. When Rick, Martha, Juliana, Randall, Katrina, Sarah, Julia, Heather, Kody and I did our Shakespeare trip to Ashland, we all went to a Thai restaurant and had curry.
When I was in Tokyo, ReBekha and I had Thai again: curry, cashew chicken, pad thai. It was absolutely amazing. Then when I was at orientation, my presentation partner and I found another good place on the 5th floor of a cramped building in Shinjuku. I went there twice.
So naturally, upon coming home, I was determined to advance my culinary skills in this area. I'm tired of being a boring cook. I'm tired of not being a cook at all. I think cooking should be relatively easy. Honestly, the hardest thing I run into here is finding the proper ingredients. My quest began when I found an inexpensive jar of Thai green curry paste. A friend on FB translated the label on the back and then I went searching for the proper ingredients. I finally found the Asian fish sauce that had alluded me. So I made the curry. It was delicious, but so, so, so spicy. It's the spiciest curry I've ever eaten I think. So I tried re-making it with less curry paste - not so great. I have a couple more tricks up my sleeve, but I think my curry paste might just be irreparably spicy. I might have to shop for a new paste.
I'm not done though. Now that I had the fish sauce, I knew i probably had the proper ingredients for other Thai dishes, so I found a recipe for the cashew chicken. Cashews? Hundred yen store, check. And then I found this massive bag of chili peppers at the discount grocery store. Chili peppers are generally hard to find in Japan, and now I have a bag that could last me 10 years. Oh well. The chicken was too dry, and the dish had several problems, all of which I can remedy the next time I make it. The recipe was pretty simple: cook cashews in a little sesame oil until brown. Set aside. Cook chili peppers for 20 seconds in the oil. Add chicken. Cook until no longer pink, add fish sauce, soy sauce and sugar. Cook. Add cashews and chopped green onions (not sliced, just cut up in about 1 inch lengths). Cook for 2 minutes. Serve over rice. Even though it was dry though, the flavor seemed right on. I'm excited to try it again - with more liquid next time.
So these have been my Thai cooking adventures. After exhausting Thai food, I think I'm going to start experimenting with mediterranean food. I've already tried making hummus. It wasn't a failed attempt, but it could use some definite improvement. I'm hoping to try out the yogurt sauce and find a way to cook beef that will give it that Greek sandwich flavor, even if it's not quite authentic.
Good food makes me happy. ;)
I discovered Thai food in Seattle with ReBekha. I can't quite remember the first time I had it; actually, it might have been with Meghan Young. But ReBekha and I explored more Thai opportunities in the great metropolis. There was this cute little place in Kirkland we went to the day of our JET interviews. It was lovely and I think she got an adorable picture of me looking as though the sconce on the back wall was on top of my head. We would also buy kits from Safeway on our meager college budgets (these were definitely a splurge!), and we would make it at our apartments. My favorite was Pad Thai of course with bean sprouts and cilantro and lime and peanuts. When Rick, Martha, Juliana, Randall, Katrina, Sarah, Julia, Heather, Kody and I did our Shakespeare trip to Ashland, we all went to a Thai restaurant and had curry.
When I was in Tokyo, ReBekha and I had Thai again: curry, cashew chicken, pad thai. It was absolutely amazing. Then when I was at orientation, my presentation partner and I found another good place on the 5th floor of a cramped building in Shinjuku. I went there twice.
So naturally, upon coming home, I was determined to advance my culinary skills in this area. I'm tired of being a boring cook. I'm tired of not being a cook at all. I think cooking should be relatively easy. Honestly, the hardest thing I run into here is finding the proper ingredients. My quest began when I found an inexpensive jar of Thai green curry paste. A friend on FB translated the label on the back and then I went searching for the proper ingredients. I finally found the Asian fish sauce that had alluded me. So I made the curry. It was delicious, but so, so, so spicy. It's the spiciest curry I've ever eaten I think. So I tried re-making it with less curry paste - not so great. I have a couple more tricks up my sleeve, but I think my curry paste might just be irreparably spicy. I might have to shop for a new paste.
I'm not done though. Now that I had the fish sauce, I knew i probably had the proper ingredients for other Thai dishes, so I found a recipe for the cashew chicken. Cashews? Hundred yen store, check. And then I found this massive bag of chili peppers at the discount grocery store. Chili peppers are generally hard to find in Japan, and now I have a bag that could last me 10 years. Oh well. The chicken was too dry, and the dish had several problems, all of which I can remedy the next time I make it. The recipe was pretty simple: cook cashews in a little sesame oil until brown. Set aside. Cook chili peppers for 20 seconds in the oil. Add chicken. Cook until no longer pink, add fish sauce, soy sauce and sugar. Cook. Add cashews and chopped green onions (not sliced, just cut up in about 1 inch lengths). Cook for 2 minutes. Serve over rice. Even though it was dry though, the flavor seemed right on. I'm excited to try it again - with more liquid next time.
So these have been my Thai cooking adventures. After exhausting Thai food, I think I'm going to start experimenting with mediterranean food. I've already tried making hummus. It wasn't a failed attempt, but it could use some definite improvement. I'm hoping to try out the yogurt sauce and find a way to cook beef that will give it that Greek sandwich flavor, even if it's not quite authentic.
Good food makes me happy. ;)
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Conquering the Japanese Driver's Test
I love Tokushima. And I love my Japanese supervisor. And I love them both for helping me get my Japanese Driver's license.
For Americans, getting a license in Japan is notoriously hard. There are horror stories of people taking the test 5 or 10 times, and each time having to pay the fee. I've heard people say that one should reallly invest in 'lessons' to get your Japanese license, because you might actually spend that money trying to pass the test. (This is mostly only true for Americans because almost ever English speaking country has a treaty with Japan for transferring licenses WITHOUT taking a practical exam.)
However, I hadn't really heard any bad stories about Tokushima. (I have NOW, but not before I took the exam...) So I was pretty relaxed. However, just the process for getting your license is pretty complicated. First, you have to get your U.S. license tranlated into Japanse. This costs about $30. Then you have to MAKE AN APPOINTMENT at the driving center for them to check your paperwork. They look over your translation, your passport, and ask you weird questions about visa stamps in your passport. They have to confirm that you were in the U.S. for 3 months after getting your driver's license there. This was a little weird, but my supervisor went with me and it was fine. The guy asking me questions actually remembered her from the time before when she helped another ALT get his license. Apparently she had to beg him to let this guy have his license even though he hadn't had his U.S license for 3 months before coming (this is a huge no-no). But she's amazing and she succeeded.
Next, we set an appointment for my practical and written exams, which was yesterday. the written exam was pretty easy. The weirdest question was something about keeping to the left of your lane (remember we drive on the left here), except when you want to turn you move to the middle and hug the center line. Super weird, but this ended up being a big part of the practical test (seriously, who actually does that????). Then he explained the map and the practical test to me, and my supervisor translated. Then I walked out side and looked at the course. Then we got in the giant Prius and he demonstrated the course.
And then it was my turn. I got one practice round and then the exam. Honestly, the hardest thing about that course was turnign the stupid Prius on. What the heck. Not a normal car (I guess this is a GOOD thing) but still, it was weird. There's a power button. Like on a computer. For a car. hahaha. So I did the course. It was fine. I was super obvious about looking around and checking my mirrors and probably turned my signal on too early a few times.
So we stop. He immediately turns to my supervisor and asks me about what schools I teach at. This is how I imagine the conversation went (in Japanese):
Driving Guy: Daiichi JHS? My sister works there. She's in charge of the kendo club.
Sato-sensei: Oh! That's your sister? Wow! I'm Sato Michiko and my daughter was in that club.
Guy: Your daughter is Sato-san? oooooh wooooooow! Amazing! She must be so old now. What is she doing?
Me: *inspecting the incredibly tacky, lacey, Prius seat covers. Who makes this stuff?*
Sato-sensei: She lives in Tokyo....yada yada yada.
Guy: Wow!! Cool. Small world, ne??
Sato-sensei: Small world desu ne!!!!!!
Guy: And she lives on Kizu (pointing to me). I live right around the corner from her house near the ~~~ Shrine.
Sato-sensei: Oh yes! I think my daughter and I went to your house once!
Guy: Right! Yeah because of kendo. Oh btw, she passed. She was perfect.
Sato-sensei: Great!
Me: *smile, nod, display incredible happiness*
hahaha. So that't it. Turns out this guy is an incredible kendo instructor. Who knew? And he lives in Naruto. I can't place his sister though. Going to have to ask at school to see who the kendo teacher is and then I'll have something to say to her in an incredibly broken English-Japanese-gesture hybrid: "Sumimasen, senshu wa, Driving center (with handmotions), uuuuuhhh, Komatsushima ni ikimashita. Your brother (point at her) was my (point to me) instructor." Wait for response. Most likely response: 'eeeehhhhh??? *look of disbelief*'
Indeed. That's how it went. Once again, I love Sato, I love Tokushima.
Small world, ne????? Small world DESU NE!!!!
For Americans, getting a license in Japan is notoriously hard. There are horror stories of people taking the test 5 or 10 times, and each time having to pay the fee. I've heard people say that one should reallly invest in 'lessons' to get your Japanese license, because you might actually spend that money trying to pass the test. (This is mostly only true for Americans because almost ever English speaking country has a treaty with Japan for transferring licenses WITHOUT taking a practical exam.)
However, I hadn't really heard any bad stories about Tokushima. (I have NOW, but not before I took the exam...) So I was pretty relaxed. However, just the process for getting your license is pretty complicated. First, you have to get your U.S. license tranlated into Japanse. This costs about $30. Then you have to MAKE AN APPOINTMENT at the driving center for them to check your paperwork. They look over your translation, your passport, and ask you weird questions about visa stamps in your passport. They have to confirm that you were in the U.S. for 3 months after getting your driver's license there. This was a little weird, but my supervisor went with me and it was fine. The guy asking me questions actually remembered her from the time before when she helped another ALT get his license. Apparently she had to beg him to let this guy have his license even though he hadn't had his U.S license for 3 months before coming (this is a huge no-no). But she's amazing and she succeeded.
Next, we set an appointment for my practical and written exams, which was yesterday. the written exam was pretty easy. The weirdest question was something about keeping to the left of your lane (remember we drive on the left here), except when you want to turn you move to the middle and hug the center line. Super weird, but this ended up being a big part of the practical test (seriously, who actually does that????). Then he explained the map and the practical test to me, and my supervisor translated. Then I walked out side and looked at the course. Then we got in the giant Prius and he demonstrated the course.
And then it was my turn. I got one practice round and then the exam. Honestly, the hardest thing about that course was turnign the stupid Prius on. What the heck. Not a normal car (I guess this is a GOOD thing) but still, it was weird. There's a power button. Like on a computer. For a car. hahaha. So I did the course. It was fine. I was super obvious about looking around and checking my mirrors and probably turned my signal on too early a few times.
So we stop. He immediately turns to my supervisor and asks me about what schools I teach at. This is how I imagine the conversation went (in Japanese):
Driving Guy: Daiichi JHS? My sister works there. She's in charge of the kendo club.
Sato-sensei: Oh! That's your sister? Wow! I'm Sato Michiko and my daughter was in that club.
Guy: Your daughter is Sato-san? oooooh wooooooow! Amazing! She must be so old now. What is she doing?
Me: *inspecting the incredibly tacky, lacey, Prius seat covers. Who makes this stuff?*
Sato-sensei: She lives in Tokyo....yada yada yada.
Guy: Wow!! Cool. Small world, ne??
Sato-sensei: Small world desu ne!!!!!!
Guy: And she lives on Kizu (pointing to me). I live right around the corner from her house near the ~~~ Shrine.
Sato-sensei: Oh yes! I think my daughter and I went to your house once!
Guy: Right! Yeah because of kendo. Oh btw, she passed. She was perfect.
Sato-sensei: Great!
Me: *smile, nod, display incredible happiness*
hahaha. So that't it. Turns out this guy is an incredible kendo instructor. Who knew? And he lives in Naruto. I can't place his sister though. Going to have to ask at school to see who the kendo teacher is and then I'll have something to say to her in an incredibly broken English-Japanese-gesture hybrid: "Sumimasen, senshu wa, Driving center (with handmotions), uuuuuhhh, Komatsushima ni ikimashita. Your brother (point at her) was my (point to me) instructor." Wait for response. Most likely response: 'eeeehhhhh??? *look of disbelief*'
Indeed. That's how it went. Once again, I love Sato, I love Tokushima.
Small world, ne????? Small world DESU NE!!!!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Snapshots of Belief, part II
I have been asked recently how Japan has affected/changed my views in regard to Christianity; I find it a really difficult question to answer, but I think I can formulate a small sliver of what is happening.
Really Japan itself has had very little affect on my Christianity. Rather it is the isolation from my family and friends and from a regular church that has affected me. The thing is, I have never been completely secure in my faith. I’ve struggled with belief for as long as I can remember. The only thing that has changed is that now that I’m older I don’t make so much of that struggle anymore. I used to lose sleep over the question of God and now… I’m more apathetic. This is a blessing and a curse simultaneously. It’s a blessing because I realized that God wasn’t going to reject me for doubt. It is a curse because I know part of this tendency is pure laziness and distraction. I’m often more interested in getting caught up on my favorite TV show than examining my beliefs.
However, I have to say that I think I’m going through a change – it may be a change I’ve gone through before, but sometimes it takes several times. I have posited myself (to myself and others) as someone who was seeking “the truth.” This is why I sometimes doubted Christianity – because I didn’t want to accept in without scrutinizing it first. I told someone the other day that I wasn’t the type of person to accept Christianity simply because I was born into a Christian family. As I was driving home from this encounter. I thought about what I had said. And I realized – I’ve never looked into other religions or other beliefs for the sake of discovering whether they were true. And I have no desire to, unless it would be to satisfy that requirement on my quest for “truth.” This fact really bothered me at first. How can I say I am attempting to find the truth if I’ve never looked anywhere else. For a moment I pondered what my life would be like if I devoted myself to studying the religions/belief systems of the world searching for the right one. It would change my life. I would be a different person. It would also be exhausting, and, I’m afraid, very confusing
And then I realized, I don’t want anything else to be true. I want THIS.
I want the epic-ness of Israel’s history with Israel’s God. I want the humbleness of Jesus’ birth. I want his simple, earth-shattering, shocking 3 year ministry. I want the fact of his death. I want a ripped curtain between God and me. I want the beauty of Sunday morning, the reality of a religion absolutely characterized by a resurrection of overwhelming life.
“The thief comes in to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”
I want THAT. And THAT is why I’ve never searched other religions. Because I want what I already have.
This is not to say that certain things about Christianity don’t drive me crazy, and I struggle to understand them. It doesn’t help that I’m generally disappointed in my fellow Christians. (Needless to say, they are probably disappointed in ME.) But the Jesus of Peter’s triple denial, of Thomas’ doubt, of Judas’ betrayal, would appear to be in the business of accepting people who had a habit of letting him down. Jesus has never been into pre-screening potential Christians no matter what WE may do with our fancy powerhouse churches.
I worry that this is just a cyclical thing. I doubt a lot and then I get tired and so I go back to faith. I realize that I’ve often approached Christianity with a desire to “prove” it – if not to others than to myself. I’ve also realized that this is absolutely ludicrous as far as the Christian message actually goes. There is no empirically proving these things. In fact, if one looks at Jesus life, death, and what’s left, one would feel that he was AGAINST leaving any empirical proof of who he was. I go back to about this same time 2 years ago when I was writing a paper for Dr. Charette on the Greek “doubt” that appears twice in Matthew. Jesus is walked on the water and Peter asks him if he can come to him. Jesus says come, but then once Peter gets out of the boat, “seeing the wind, he became frightened and beginning to sink he cried out, ‘Lord, save me!” Jesus’ reply (after saving him) is “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”
I realized then that Jesus was disappointed because Peter took his eyes off of him and looked at his circumstances. The way of faith in Christianity is shockingly similar. If you look at the state of the world, at the state of other Christians, at the profundity of opinion and belief, there is no way to take all of that in and stay secure in one’s faith. This is not to say that I am advocating clueless Christianity, on the contrary, that is what I believe is wrong with a lot of Christians. However, I have to learn to focus enough on the one I believe in, to stay true to him, and then I can look out and see what the world needs and how I need to be in response to that.
I don’t have all the answers. I never will. Somehow I have to learn to accept this. But I do hope to be the type of Christian that will do justice to the term.
John 10:10, Matthew 14:30-31
Really Japan itself has had very little affect on my Christianity. Rather it is the isolation from my family and friends and from a regular church that has affected me. The thing is, I have never been completely secure in my faith. I’ve struggled with belief for as long as I can remember. The only thing that has changed is that now that I’m older I don’t make so much of that struggle anymore. I used to lose sleep over the question of God and now… I’m more apathetic. This is a blessing and a curse simultaneously. It’s a blessing because I realized that God wasn’t going to reject me for doubt. It is a curse because I know part of this tendency is pure laziness and distraction. I’m often more interested in getting caught up on my favorite TV show than examining my beliefs.
However, I have to say that I think I’m going through a change – it may be a change I’ve gone through before, but sometimes it takes several times. I have posited myself (to myself and others) as someone who was seeking “the truth.” This is why I sometimes doubted Christianity – because I didn’t want to accept in without scrutinizing it first. I told someone the other day that I wasn’t the type of person to accept Christianity simply because I was born into a Christian family. As I was driving home from this encounter. I thought about what I had said. And I realized – I’ve never looked into other religions or other beliefs for the sake of discovering whether they were true. And I have no desire to, unless it would be to satisfy that requirement on my quest for “truth.” This fact really bothered me at first. How can I say I am attempting to find the truth if I’ve never looked anywhere else. For a moment I pondered what my life would be like if I devoted myself to studying the religions/belief systems of the world searching for the right one. It would change my life. I would be a different person. It would also be exhausting, and, I’m afraid, very confusing
And then I realized, I don’t want anything else to be true. I want THIS.
I want the epic-ness of Israel’s history with Israel’s God. I want the humbleness of Jesus’ birth. I want his simple, earth-shattering, shocking 3 year ministry. I want the fact of his death. I want a ripped curtain between God and me. I want the beauty of Sunday morning, the reality of a religion absolutely characterized by a resurrection of overwhelming life.
“The thief comes in to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”
I want THAT. And THAT is why I’ve never searched other religions. Because I want what I already have.
This is not to say that certain things about Christianity don’t drive me crazy, and I struggle to understand them. It doesn’t help that I’m generally disappointed in my fellow Christians. (Needless to say, they are probably disappointed in ME.) But the Jesus of Peter’s triple denial, of Thomas’ doubt, of Judas’ betrayal, would appear to be in the business of accepting people who had a habit of letting him down. Jesus has never been into pre-screening potential Christians no matter what WE may do with our fancy powerhouse churches.
I worry that this is just a cyclical thing. I doubt a lot and then I get tired and so I go back to faith. I realize that I’ve often approached Christianity with a desire to “prove” it – if not to others than to myself. I’ve also realized that this is absolutely ludicrous as far as the Christian message actually goes. There is no empirically proving these things. In fact, if one looks at Jesus life, death, and what’s left, one would feel that he was AGAINST leaving any empirical proof of who he was. I go back to about this same time 2 years ago when I was writing a paper for Dr. Charette on the Greek “doubt” that appears twice in Matthew. Jesus is walked on the water and Peter asks him if he can come to him. Jesus says come, but then once Peter gets out of the boat, “seeing the wind, he became frightened and beginning to sink he cried out, ‘Lord, save me!” Jesus’ reply (after saving him) is “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”
I realized then that Jesus was disappointed because Peter took his eyes off of him and looked at his circumstances. The way of faith in Christianity is shockingly similar. If you look at the state of the world, at the state of other Christians, at the profundity of opinion and belief, there is no way to take all of that in and stay secure in one’s faith. This is not to say that I am advocating clueless Christianity, on the contrary, that is what I believe is wrong with a lot of Christians. However, I have to learn to focus enough on the one I believe in, to stay true to him, and then I can look out and see what the world needs and how I need to be in response to that.
I don’t have all the answers. I never will. Somehow I have to learn to accept this. But I do hope to be the type of Christian that will do justice to the term.
John 10:10, Matthew 14:30-31
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Reveling in what is my city (and my favorite author)
I spent the first 6 months in Naruto appreciating it for several things: my amazing supervisor, my co-workers, it's proximity to Kobe, and it's proximity to Tokushima city. As an afterthought, I might have said that it was also nice to be near a beach. However, since I didn't have a car, that locale was generally excluded from my daily going-about. Naruto may be economically dead, but it's certainly not small, and while I might look athletic, I most certainly am not. I kept my bicycle adventures to a minimum.
That being said, since I got my car a few months ago, I have slowly been expanding my daily sphere. In the last two weeks, I have made the beach my own. I have always loved the beach, but not with that tan-Californian bikini vigor. I love the beach for the view, for the cool gray water and the sky that differs only in brightness. I love the beach for the small specs of color in the form of buoys off the shore. I love the beach for the smell of salt and the frigid water that burns my toes. I love the beach for the soft purring of the tide rippling on the shore.
The beach inspires me, uplifts me, makes me feel fresh and relaxed. I've been keeping tennis shoes and workout pants in the car and I'll go for a quick run near the water. I have already found several different spots that I like for either running, walking in the water, or picking up shells.
Yesterday, I gathered a quick dinner of maki tuna salad sushi, kiwi, carrot, and apple juice and headed to the beach with Jane Austen. I've been rereading Pride and Prejudice. It's been about 5 or 6 years since I've read it all the way through. P&P is so incredibly good. I love the wit. Who knows, there might be more posts coming soon in the literary interpretation vein. I love writing about literature.
One thing that has struck me so far: Austen has this to say about Charlotte's marital bliss: "...and though evidently regretting that her visitors were to go, she did not seem to ask for compassion. Her home and her housekeeping, her parish and her poultry, and all their dependent concerns, had not yet lost their charms." (Chapter 38) I sense a bit of a parallel here with Mr. Bennet, who, we would be led to believe, had entered into a similarly unsuitable marriage. However, where Charlotte is still charmed by the advantages of the marriage, Mr. Bennet has long been aware of his own folly and tried to deal with it as best he could. Austen seems quite certain of Charlotte's eventual disillusionment. Elizabeth sees through it all.
Actually, in light of these two examples, one would come to think that this novel is very much about companionate marriage in defiance of everything else. Charlotte's marriage is condemned because, while sensible in an economic light, Charlotte must submit herself to a man of infinitely poorer understanding. Mr. Bennet touches on this fact later when he urges Elizabeth, "My child, let me not have the grief of seeing you unable to respect your partner in life" (Chapter 59). Charlotte certainly cannot respect Mr. Collins, and it is this compromise for which Elizabeth condemns her. In the same way, Darcy and Elizabeth fall in love because they ARE suitable for one another despite the unsuitability of her connections, and the same goes for Bingley and Jane, and for that matter, sadly, Lydia and Wickham (though this comparison probably wouldn't stand up to scrutiny). Of course Mr. and Mrs. Bennet are an even more clear example of what-not-to-do than the Mr. and Mrs. Collins. People should fall in love because they can understand one another, because they can connect, because they can respect one another it seems. No doubt Austen herself got to see many examples of this NOT being the case in her daily life. The compromise in Pride and Prejudice is turning marriage into a contract rather than a relationship.
And there you have it. I'm in Japan, quite far away from you all, but still very much the same. I love the beach and I love Jane Austen (and my sushi was amazing!).
That being said, since I got my car a few months ago, I have slowly been expanding my daily sphere. In the last two weeks, I have made the beach my own. I have always loved the beach, but not with that tan-Californian bikini vigor. I love the beach for the view, for the cool gray water and the sky that differs only in brightness. I love the beach for the small specs of color in the form of buoys off the shore. I love the beach for the smell of salt and the frigid water that burns my toes. I love the beach for the soft purring of the tide rippling on the shore.
The beach inspires me, uplifts me, makes me feel fresh and relaxed. I've been keeping tennis shoes and workout pants in the car and I'll go for a quick run near the water. I have already found several different spots that I like for either running, walking in the water, or picking up shells.
Yesterday, I gathered a quick dinner of maki tuna salad sushi, kiwi, carrot, and apple juice and headed to the beach with Jane Austen. I've been rereading Pride and Prejudice. It's been about 5 or 6 years since I've read it all the way through. P&P is so incredibly good. I love the wit. Who knows, there might be more posts coming soon in the literary interpretation vein. I love writing about literature.
One thing that has struck me so far: Austen has this to say about Charlotte's marital bliss: "...and though evidently regretting that her visitors were to go, she did not seem to ask for compassion. Her home and her housekeeping, her parish and her poultry, and all their dependent concerns, had not yet lost their charms." (Chapter 38) I sense a bit of a parallel here with Mr. Bennet, who, we would be led to believe, had entered into a similarly unsuitable marriage. However, where Charlotte is still charmed by the advantages of the marriage, Mr. Bennet has long been aware of his own folly and tried to deal with it as best he could. Austen seems quite certain of Charlotte's eventual disillusionment. Elizabeth sees through it all.
Actually, in light of these two examples, one would come to think that this novel is very much about companionate marriage in defiance of everything else. Charlotte's marriage is condemned because, while sensible in an economic light, Charlotte must submit herself to a man of infinitely poorer understanding. Mr. Bennet touches on this fact later when he urges Elizabeth, "My child, let me not have the grief of seeing you unable to respect your partner in life" (Chapter 59). Charlotte certainly cannot respect Mr. Collins, and it is this compromise for which Elizabeth condemns her. In the same way, Darcy and Elizabeth fall in love because they ARE suitable for one another despite the unsuitability of her connections, and the same goes for Bingley and Jane, and for that matter, sadly, Lydia and Wickham (though this comparison probably wouldn't stand up to scrutiny). Of course Mr. and Mrs. Bennet are an even more clear example of what-not-to-do than the Mr. and Mrs. Collins. People should fall in love because they can understand one another, because they can connect, because they can respect one another it seems. No doubt Austen herself got to see many examples of this NOT being the case in her daily life. The compromise in Pride and Prejudice is turning marriage into a contract rather than a relationship.
And there you have it. I'm in Japan, quite far away from you all, but still very much the same. I love the beach and I love Jane Austen (and my sushi was amazing!).
Monday, April 5, 2010
More Cherry Blossoms
The cherry blossom season in Japan is short and sweet - very sweet. When I drive to work I pass, who knows how many, trees and right now, they're in full bloom. It's absolutely gorgeous. Yesterday, when taking photos at a shrine on the way home from work, I met some of my elementary school students. They said English words like banana and coconut and I made absurd conversation. "Coconut oishii desu ne!" Coconut is delicious isn't it? haha. I doubt they understood half of my pathetic jabbering. It's nice to try to talk to Japanese people that don't speak very much English. It's incredible to see how much you can communicate with the few words that you have in common. I talked to one of their day care teachers there at the shrine for a while and I think the result of our conversation was that her father goes to my adult conversation class for teachers. Tokushima is a small world. Naruto is just a city.
Here's the link to my Flickr account where these photos are hosted: http://www.flickr.com/photos/7215769@N05/
Here's the link to my Flickr account where these photos are hosted: http://www.flickr.com/photos/7215769@N05/
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Hanami - Flower Viewing Photos
"Hana" means flower and "mi" means viewing or something like that. So a "hanami party" is a flower viewing party. This is a very popular Japanese tradition during the Sakura season, the Cherry Blossom season. We are in the prime of this season now. Today my supervisor suggested that we get food to go from the grocery store and go sit outside underneath the cherry blossom trees. :D Sometimes Japan is just a wonderful place to be. I ate Salmon sushi underneath the cherry blossoms.
The following are edited a bit. It was a cloudy day and my camera just didn't have the skill to capture these blossoms alone.
I think I'll be posting more soon!
Thanks for reading/viewing! ;)
The following are edited a bit. It was a cloudy day and my camera just didn't have the skill to capture these blossoms alone.
I think I'll be posting more soon!
Thanks for reading/viewing! ;)
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Japanese Fashion
So let me tell you about shopping in Japan. First of all, throw out any ideas you have about the proper SHAPE of clothing. Japanese people don't seem to have a concept of things "fitting" properly. In fact, if I could explain Japanese fashion in one word it would probably be something like "shroud." Yes, this "shroud" might be pink with polka dots and have adorable black bows all over it, but it's a shroud nonetheless. It might also only come to mid thigh, under which would be worn NOTHING but some adorable knee high boots, but the description of "shroud" remains.
Now, imagine me trying to look good in any of these outfits...it's hopeless.
I once had a friend who told me a particular shirt dress looked good on me because it concealed my chest so as to make everyone wonder what I had under there. The J-fashion takes this logic and run 50 Kilometers with it. Since there is little to "show off" on top for most Japanese women, they dress in bags and call it good. The truth is, it generally looks alright on them. There legs are cute and skinny, their arms are tiny, their faces delicate. They put on this bag and get the sort of affect of an angel running around in a cloud. But think about it from my perspective. I go to the store and SEARCH the clearance rack for ANYTHING that is shaped in any way appropriately. The whole bag-thing may work for most Japanese girls, but it doesn't really work for me, not everyday at least. I'm sorry if I feel silly running around in a poka dot sweatshirt dress that goes to my hips and has a flouncy ruffly skirt attached that only reaches to my mid-thigh. I like shirts to hit just above my hips, not below them. And I prefer to swim at the beach and not in my own clothing.
Don't let the cool glasses fool you - this would not look good on me.
This gets even worse when one is trying to shop cheap. Cheap, quality fashion exists in ONLY ONE PLACE in Japan, and that is Uniqlo, the J-GAP. And Uniqlo is great for sweatshirts and sweaters and tights but if you're looking for anything else, it's a little limited. So if you thought you could "shop around" in Tokushima, you are gravely mistaken. I have tried, and tried, and tried again. I can COUNT the items of clothing I have purchased in Tokushima - it's a very small number and I haven't really been thrilled with any of these purchases. In almost EVERY case, I paid more money than I would have in the States, and all that, for something inferior. Cute clothes exist in Japan, but they're quite a bit more expensive than I'm used to paying, and even though I have more money now than I had before, paying more for something that I don't even like that much totally kills the joy of shopping. I'm one of those "hunt" people. However, the thing about hunting is that one generally gets the enjoyment of finally triumphing. That almost never happens here. I feel as though I'm losing my shopping sense and my style sense simultaneously.
This isn't bad...but still, not going to work for anyone bigger than a size 00.
Pretty cool - but going to cost a considerable amount of money to work up this little ensemble.
The other thing about Japanese fashion is the "cute" factor. But in Japan, "cute" has a different meaning than in the States. In the U.S. "cute" can be a pair of skinny jeans and a cute sweater and boots, in Japan "cute" means any or all of a number of other things: pink, polka dotted, ruffled, bow-encrusted, fake-jewel-encrusted, satin-encrusted, lace-covered, fake-fur adorned. For the most part I can avoid these things if I want to; however, you have NO IDEA how many times I've seen a pair of cute shoes I liked only to pull them off the wrack and realize they had satin ruffles at the back of the heel: totally kills it. This is AFTER I avoided all the shoes that had jewels or bows or fur on the toes.
Ummm. Are you kidding me? No.
I HATE this style of shoe. They are everywhere!
I could live without ruffles FOREVER after being in Japan...
The truth is a lot of this struggle is due to a lack of variety and options. I live in Tokushima. We don't even have Starbucks here. If I were near any bigger cities, my complaints would be quite heavily diminished. But I'm not. And so...I complain. One of these days I'll take a camera shopping with me and give you all a real taste of what this is like. For now, I had to search the internet for rather pathetic examples of what I'm referring too.
Well, I have a car now. The next trip I'm making is probably to Takamatsu, about 2 hours up the road where I'm told they have much better shopping.
Now, imagine me trying to look good in any of these outfits...it's hopeless.
I once had a friend who told me a particular shirt dress looked good on me because it concealed my chest so as to make everyone wonder what I had under there. The J-fashion takes this logic and run 50 Kilometers with it. Since there is little to "show off" on top for most Japanese women, they dress in bags and call it good. The truth is, it generally looks alright on them. There legs are cute and skinny, their arms are tiny, their faces delicate. They put on this bag and get the sort of affect of an angel running around in a cloud. But think about it from my perspective. I go to the store and SEARCH the clearance rack for ANYTHING that is shaped in any way appropriately. The whole bag-thing may work for most Japanese girls, but it doesn't really work for me, not everyday at least. I'm sorry if I feel silly running around in a poka dot sweatshirt dress that goes to my hips and has a flouncy ruffly skirt attached that only reaches to my mid-thigh. I like shirts to hit just above my hips, not below them. And I prefer to swim at the beach and not in my own clothing.
Don't let the cool glasses fool you - this would not look good on me.
This gets even worse when one is trying to shop cheap. Cheap, quality fashion exists in ONLY ONE PLACE in Japan, and that is Uniqlo, the J-GAP. And Uniqlo is great for sweatshirts and sweaters and tights but if you're looking for anything else, it's a little limited. So if you thought you could "shop around" in Tokushima, you are gravely mistaken. I have tried, and tried, and tried again. I can COUNT the items of clothing I have purchased in Tokushima - it's a very small number and I haven't really been thrilled with any of these purchases. In almost EVERY case, I paid more money than I would have in the States, and all that, for something inferior. Cute clothes exist in Japan, but they're quite a bit more expensive than I'm used to paying, and even though I have more money now than I had before, paying more for something that I don't even like that much totally kills the joy of shopping. I'm one of those "hunt" people. However, the thing about hunting is that one generally gets the enjoyment of finally triumphing. That almost never happens here. I feel as though I'm losing my shopping sense and my style sense simultaneously.
This isn't bad...but still, not going to work for anyone bigger than a size 00.
Pretty cool - but going to cost a considerable amount of money to work up this little ensemble.
The other thing about Japanese fashion is the "cute" factor. But in Japan, "cute" has a different meaning than in the States. In the U.S. "cute" can be a pair of skinny jeans and a cute sweater and boots, in Japan "cute" means any or all of a number of other things: pink, polka dotted, ruffled, bow-encrusted, fake-jewel-encrusted, satin-encrusted, lace-covered, fake-fur adorned. For the most part I can avoid these things if I want to; however, you have NO IDEA how many times I've seen a pair of cute shoes I liked only to pull them off the wrack and realize they had satin ruffles at the back of the heel: totally kills it. This is AFTER I avoided all the shoes that had jewels or bows or fur on the toes.
Ummm. Are you kidding me? No.
I HATE this style of shoe. They are everywhere!
I could live without ruffles FOREVER after being in Japan...
The truth is a lot of this struggle is due to a lack of variety and options. I live in Tokushima. We don't even have Starbucks here. If I were near any bigger cities, my complaints would be quite heavily diminished. But I'm not. And so...I complain. One of these days I'll take a camera shopping with me and give you all a real taste of what this is like. For now, I had to search the internet for rather pathetic examples of what I'm referring too.
Well, I have a car now. The next trip I'm making is probably to Takamatsu, about 2 hours up the road where I'm told they have much better shopping.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Snapshots of Belief
I seem to have multiple focus disorder. If my brain were a series of snapshots, it would look like this:
The sun is just setting behind the mountains out my front door. It strikes me with it's majestic beauty. Surely that's not an accident?
There's a fight being waged in the U.S. A fight between conservatives and liberals - or so they say. Anymore, I really don't care. Something in me wants to distance myself as far away from politics as possible. Please please please don't get God involved in this, I think. Don't dirty his name with your petty money and agendas.
I'm playing this song in the background:
There are tears from the saints
For the lost and unsaved
We’re crying for them come back home
We’re crying for them come back home
And all your children will stretch out their hands
And pick up the crippled man
Father, we will lead them home
Father, we will lead them home
Sometimes I read Paul and anymore I get more frustrated with him than anything. I can't handle condemnation at this point. I have a problem with judgment, with hell. I tell myself that this is something I have to come to grips with - somehow. I'm not always sure how. I see people as victims for the most part. Victims of things that have happened to them. I suppose I have a problem with responsibility. I feel there are 2 sides to these stories. I'm taken back to Vic Lit and our talks about MacDonald and Universalism. I can see it's appeal now.
In Japan, there's very little positive Christian feedback. Mostly it's criticism. I hear criticism of everything from American Republicans to the rapture to whatever else happens to be on the plate for sarcasm that day. It's not that any of this is directed at me, but it affects me nonetheless. People's opinions have ALWAYS affected me. I've decided I'm too egalitarian with regard to ideas. It's like I think they're all equal. Even in my own church, I sometimes feel the need to filter the things I hear, filter them through my education, through my own beliefs about church and the way Christians behave. I'm sick of hearing about politics in church.
The lens refocuses - there's too much. I'm a little girl with a hymn book; my favorite song is "Trust and Obey." I also have an affinity for "It is Well With My soul." Strange songs for a little girl to like. But I questioned back then too - all the time. Mommy, why does it say "Let there be light before God created the sun?" It didn't seem to compute, until I realized that he is God. It's not hard for the Father of light to shed it before there's a ball of fire to do it for him.
I ask myself, why, why, why.
Because I want to believe that there's more to life than getting my PhD, publishing novels, and driving a nice car. I want to believe that the people who have been pressed down, kicked, beaten will someday get their recompense, that someday the tables will change. I want to believe that the cosmic beauty of the earth isn't accidental. I want to believe in mystery, beauty, truth, moral transcendence. I want to believe that we are each precious in our own way, apart from some hippie individualism. I want Jesus to be more than a "nice man." I want to believe that what I do matters, that the last will be first, that people can change. I want to believe in the resurrection of relationships, futures, lives. I want to believe in hope. I want love to triumph.
And so I try to sift through it all, the filthy, philosophical, individualistic debris of postmodernism, the plastic faces we don to keep everyone else in the dark. How are you? I'm fine. We're all fine. We're all PERFECTLY fine. We don't NEED anything. Religious expression is a pathetic relic of the past, supposedly. We're too self-sufficient. It's disgusting. I hate it, but I deal with this belief on a daily basis. To "help" me is the sad truth of the religious institutions of my homeland:
There are schools full of hatred
Even churches have forsaken
Love and mercy
May we see this generation
In its state of desperation
For Your glory
This is an emergency!
The songwriter is right in saying so. God save us. I hope He is what he says He is. No other deity could triumph at this point.
The sun is just setting behind the mountains out my front door. It strikes me with it's majestic beauty. Surely that's not an accident?
There's a fight being waged in the U.S. A fight between conservatives and liberals - or so they say. Anymore, I really don't care. Something in me wants to distance myself as far away from politics as possible. Please please please don't get God involved in this, I think. Don't dirty his name with your petty money and agendas.
I'm playing this song in the background:
There are tears from the saints
For the lost and unsaved
We’re crying for them come back home
We’re crying for them come back home
And all your children will stretch out their hands
And pick up the crippled man
Father, we will lead them home
Father, we will lead them home
Sometimes I read Paul and anymore I get more frustrated with him than anything. I can't handle condemnation at this point. I have a problem with judgment, with hell. I tell myself that this is something I have to come to grips with - somehow. I'm not always sure how. I see people as victims for the most part. Victims of things that have happened to them. I suppose I have a problem with responsibility. I feel there are 2 sides to these stories. I'm taken back to Vic Lit and our talks about MacDonald and Universalism. I can see it's appeal now.
In Japan, there's very little positive Christian feedback. Mostly it's criticism. I hear criticism of everything from American Republicans to the rapture to whatever else happens to be on the plate for sarcasm that day. It's not that any of this is directed at me, but it affects me nonetheless. People's opinions have ALWAYS affected me. I've decided I'm too egalitarian with regard to ideas. It's like I think they're all equal. Even in my own church, I sometimes feel the need to filter the things I hear, filter them through my education, through my own beliefs about church and the way Christians behave. I'm sick of hearing about politics in church.
The lens refocuses - there's too much. I'm a little girl with a hymn book; my favorite song is "Trust and Obey." I also have an affinity for "It is Well With My soul." Strange songs for a little girl to like. But I questioned back then too - all the time. Mommy, why does it say "Let there be light before God created the sun?" It didn't seem to compute, until I realized that he is God. It's not hard for the Father of light to shed it before there's a ball of fire to do it for him.
I ask myself, why, why, why.
Because I want to believe that there's more to life than getting my PhD, publishing novels, and driving a nice car. I want to believe that the people who have been pressed down, kicked, beaten will someday get their recompense, that someday the tables will change. I want to believe that the cosmic beauty of the earth isn't accidental. I want to believe in mystery, beauty, truth, moral transcendence. I want to believe that we are each precious in our own way, apart from some hippie individualism. I want Jesus to be more than a "nice man." I want to believe that what I do matters, that the last will be first, that people can change. I want to believe in the resurrection of relationships, futures, lives. I want to believe in hope. I want love to triumph.
And so I try to sift through it all, the filthy, philosophical, individualistic debris of postmodernism, the plastic faces we don to keep everyone else in the dark. How are you? I'm fine. We're all fine. We're all PERFECTLY fine. We don't NEED anything. Religious expression is a pathetic relic of the past, supposedly. We're too self-sufficient. It's disgusting. I hate it, but I deal with this belief on a daily basis. To "help" me is the sad truth of the religious institutions of my homeland:
There are schools full of hatred
Even churches have forsaken
Love and mercy
May we see this generation
In its state of desperation
For Your glory
This is an emergency!
The songwriter is right in saying so. God save us. I hope He is what he says He is. No other deity could triumph at this point.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
I like you because...
Foreign English teaching has it's enlightening moments. This time, it came in the form of a song I sing with my elementary schoolers. It's called the 'I like you Song.' It contains a long list of the reasons why, 'I like you'. The funny thing is that in Japanese, people never tell one another they love each other. They say 'daisuke' which means roughly 'like a lot' or 'love' in the 'I love ice cream' kind of way. Using the word 'love' on a regular basis is just too personal, even among boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife. I partially interpret this song to be a bit romantic because of this AND because in the version we sing, it's a duet between a boy and a girl.
First of all, she lists the reasons she likes him. He's kind, smart, strong, and funny. Then he replies with his own list: she's tall, cute, quiet (??), and brave. She replies again with more things, 'I like you because you run so fast...swim so far...sing so well...smile a lot.' I'm pretty sure there's another verse but I can't remember it. I like this song because I think it's cute, but everytime I sing it it makes me think about why we make friends, become boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife. It makes me think about liking and loving. These are obviously all reasons people find valid for liking another person. And yet my mind wanders to the recent film Valentines Day, and the infamous Taylor and Taylor (in character) citing their reasons for 'being in love': she's so beautiful, he's so athletic. While these reasons look shallow and naive in the film, in reality, they would come up on 'I like you because' lists if we had such things.
I WANT to seperate reasons for loving into primary reasons and secondary reasons. The primary being the REAL reasons we love or fall in love and the secondary being the ones that get tacked on as extra bonuses. Of the primary I would expect things like, you're kind, you're honest, you're a good person. Of the secondary, you're beautiful, you're funny, you run so fast. And yet oddly enough, people are generally attracted to one another based on the secondary reasons. How many people would go on a date because the other person was honest? In fact, a lot of people would say that these lists should be switched. Or better yet, that the dating pool should begin with people who fit the primary reasons and then the picking should take place based on the secondary. In fact, I think there are a lot of people who would say that it would be impossible for them to fall in love with someone who failed to have at least one of their secondary criteria. People have to have things in common, right?
Personally, I WANT people to fall in love for the right reasons. I want good people to find love regardless or beauty, weight, intelligence level, or athletic ability. But I myself never worked outside of these parameters when I was scoping out potential boyfriends (I could give examples, but would rather not...).
Sometimes I write blogs because I'm not sure what to think about something and I want to flesh it out. I often feel pressured to come up with some poignant ending, but this time I'm going to leave it open ended. I'll finish with a Meghan Young-like question of the day: What do you think is a valid reason for loving/falling in love? Do you think there are any shallow reasons?
Thanks for reading, y'all.
First of all, she lists the reasons she likes him. He's kind, smart, strong, and funny. Then he replies with his own list: she's tall, cute, quiet (??), and brave. She replies again with more things, 'I like you because you run so fast...swim so far...sing so well...smile a lot.' I'm pretty sure there's another verse but I can't remember it. I like this song because I think it's cute, but everytime I sing it it makes me think about why we make friends, become boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife. It makes me think about liking and loving. These are obviously all reasons people find valid for liking another person. And yet my mind wanders to the recent film Valentines Day, and the infamous Taylor and Taylor (in character) citing their reasons for 'being in love': she's so beautiful, he's so athletic. While these reasons look shallow and naive in the film, in reality, they would come up on 'I like you because' lists if we had such things.
I WANT to seperate reasons for loving into primary reasons and secondary reasons. The primary being the REAL reasons we love or fall in love and the secondary being the ones that get tacked on as extra bonuses. Of the primary I would expect things like, you're kind, you're honest, you're a good person. Of the secondary, you're beautiful, you're funny, you run so fast. And yet oddly enough, people are generally attracted to one another based on the secondary reasons. How many people would go on a date because the other person was honest? In fact, a lot of people would say that these lists should be switched. Or better yet, that the dating pool should begin with people who fit the primary reasons and then the picking should take place based on the secondary. In fact, I think there are a lot of people who would say that it would be impossible for them to fall in love with someone who failed to have at least one of their secondary criteria. People have to have things in common, right?
Personally, I WANT people to fall in love for the right reasons. I want good people to find love regardless or beauty, weight, intelligence level, or athletic ability. But I myself never worked outside of these parameters when I was scoping out potential boyfriends (I could give examples, but would rather not...).
Sometimes I write blogs because I'm not sure what to think about something and I want to flesh it out. I often feel pressured to come up with some poignant ending, but this time I'm going to leave it open ended. I'll finish with a Meghan Young-like question of the day: What do you think is a valid reason for loving/falling in love? Do you think there are any shallow reasons?
Thanks for reading, y'all.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Graduation, Drunk Fathers, et cetera
So let me take you inside a junior high school graduation. (For those of you reading who already know what it's like, skip down a few paragraphs...) First, EVERYONE sits in the school gym. The students clustered tightly in the middle/back, the parents further forward, the graduates in the middle front, the teachers on the sides, the band sits in the back with their instruments. It's March, so it's freezing cold. I have my hands tucked under my leg to try to keep them warm, but it's not easy. This is a formal ceremony. Most the female teachers are in black dresses and suit jackets with pearl necklaces and corsages. The art teacher made corsages for every teacher so I got one too - they smelled so good :)
This thing lasts over two hours, is extremely boring for a non-Japanese speaker. It incorporates singing the national anthem, singing the school song, and standing up to bow MULTIPLE times. The principal has long coat tails and white gloves. The vice-principal just has the white gloves. The girls bawl their eyes out, and the speeches are long. Seventh grade boys that would usually be talking amongst themselves and fidgeting sit silently, their feet in front of them, their hands in their laps. There's not a peep from the mass of students or parents, despite their being crammed together like sardines.
About 20 minutes into this somber event, a man slips in the back; he's wearing a full suit with vest. A teacher stands up and ushers him to an empty seat. "That must be embarrassing," I think, imagining the poor kid who's graduating with the knowledge that their father was too busy to be on time. Honestly, I had no idea. A few minutes later, another parent steps in late. But this one sent more red flags. He was wearing track pants and a athletic jacket. He looked slightly disoriented as a teacher tried to lead him to the parents seating. As he walked past my seat, was it my imagination, or did I smell alcohol? Unlike the first latecomer, this guy was talking in an audible voice to the teacher. The senseis around me craned their necks and made faces at each other. Then, to everyone's embarrassment, this guy went traipsing into the crowd of seated students. He walked across the middle of the gym in plain view of everyone past the halfway point. Meanwhile, the principal is giving the students his graduation speech. I thought the worst of it was over, but it wasn't. He proceeded to come back across the gym a second time and then he found his kid, a graduating ninth grader sitting near the aisle in close to the back of the group. His boy stands up and the father starts talking to him. Meanwhile, the principal, fully aware of the spectacle occurring in the middle of the gym, tries to remain composed and drones on. After a few excruciating moments, several of the male teachers accosted the drunk fellow and started physically forcing him away from his son and towards the door. The boy sat back down and the teachers took the dad outside. I could still hear him talking on the other side of the wall behind me.
By this time, I was in agony, for the boy, for the other students, for everyone. This type of thing would have been overwhelmingly embarrassing for any kid in the U.S. but in Japan, the embarrassment has got to be 5 or 10 times that. My heart was aching. I can't imagine being that boy - humiliated by his own father in front of over a thousand people, hundreds of which are his classmates. The sad thing is, this type of behavior embarrasses EVERYONE in Japan. The ceremony is ruined. It's awful.
I've been kind of on a rant this week against parents that disadvantage their children voluntarily. Today was one of the worst examples of it that I've ever seen. My heart goes out to that poor boy that graduated junior high today.
This thing lasts over two hours, is extremely boring for a non-Japanese speaker. It incorporates singing the national anthem, singing the school song, and standing up to bow MULTIPLE times. The principal has long coat tails and white gloves. The vice-principal just has the white gloves. The girls bawl their eyes out, and the speeches are long. Seventh grade boys that would usually be talking amongst themselves and fidgeting sit silently, their feet in front of them, their hands in their laps. There's not a peep from the mass of students or parents, despite their being crammed together like sardines.
About 20 minutes into this somber event, a man slips in the back; he's wearing a full suit with vest. A teacher stands up and ushers him to an empty seat. "That must be embarrassing," I think, imagining the poor kid who's graduating with the knowledge that their father was too busy to be on time. Honestly, I had no idea. A few minutes later, another parent steps in late. But this one sent more red flags. He was wearing track pants and a athletic jacket. He looked slightly disoriented as a teacher tried to lead him to the parents seating. As he walked past my seat, was it my imagination, or did I smell alcohol? Unlike the first latecomer, this guy was talking in an audible voice to the teacher. The senseis around me craned their necks and made faces at each other. Then, to everyone's embarrassment, this guy went traipsing into the crowd of seated students. He walked across the middle of the gym in plain view of everyone past the halfway point. Meanwhile, the principal is giving the students his graduation speech. I thought the worst of it was over, but it wasn't. He proceeded to come back across the gym a second time and then he found his kid, a graduating ninth grader sitting near the aisle in close to the back of the group. His boy stands up and the father starts talking to him. Meanwhile, the principal, fully aware of the spectacle occurring in the middle of the gym, tries to remain composed and drones on. After a few excruciating moments, several of the male teachers accosted the drunk fellow and started physically forcing him away from his son and towards the door. The boy sat back down and the teachers took the dad outside. I could still hear him talking on the other side of the wall behind me.
By this time, I was in agony, for the boy, for the other students, for everyone. This type of thing would have been overwhelmingly embarrassing for any kid in the U.S. but in Japan, the embarrassment has got to be 5 or 10 times that. My heart was aching. I can't imagine being that boy - humiliated by his own father in front of over a thousand people, hundreds of which are his classmates. The sad thing is, this type of behavior embarrasses EVERYONE in Japan. The ceremony is ruined. It's awful.
I've been kind of on a rant this week against parents that disadvantage their children voluntarily. Today was one of the worst examples of it that I've ever seen. My heart goes out to that poor boy that graduated junior high today.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Teacher Transcendence
So everyone has had a bad class, right? You don't even have to be a teacher to have had one. You could be a student and realize that one of your classmates is sending your teacher through...you know what I mean.
Well, today I had one of those classes. I can't say that this is the best time in my life. Last night, Kody almost missed the bus that got him to Kobe where an angel had to help direct him to the correct trains so he could get to the airport on time to catch his flight. Thank the Lord for young Japanese people who want to speak English and/or help foreigners. Also, it's freezing. I'm exhausted; I haven't had a weekend sleep-in day for a while AND I'm looking towards two 9-6 rehearsals this weekend in a far away town where I'll only be utilized for 1 hour. For 20 minutes, I'm a star. Those 20 minutes cost a lot. Yay female parts. Anyway, I'm overwhelmed. But today, I can happily say, I transcended my circumstances.
I think there is a fine line between not caring about your class and not caring about your students. The first means that you don't get your feelings hurt everytime things don't go as planned. The second means you just don't care at all. I'm attempting to master the first without inadvertantly falling into the second. Ichi-D, ichinensei, is probably the WORST first grade class. There is a bank of 4 troublemakers that sit on the far left and a bank of 2 or 3 lesser trouble makers that sit on the right. Up until this point, I've been a bit shy to these students. It takes a lot of ego to go into that classroom with gusto. But today, I threw everything out the window. I've learned that drawing attention to students - not in a negative way, I'm almost incapable of scolding them - does loads for their participation. I FORCE them to participate. So today, instead of avoiding the trouble-makers, I sought them out. I walked up to 13 year old boys that were writing 'I love play sex' on their papers and asked them if they liked playing baseball.
The class didn't go very well. It took forever to get them to do the first activity which entailed writing two past tense sentences on a piece of paper folded in four. I studied English. I played the piano. This is easy stuff. Even for 13 year old Japanese kids. If all else failed all they had to do was copy two of the 10 sentences I'd written on the board. The teacher and I forewent the last activity, which was playing a dice game with a neat little gameboard because there were only 7 minutes left in class after the other activities. We played tic tac toe instead. It wasn't ideal, but we managed.
Now, I feel great. It's absurd. I came back to my email and started a log to keep track of my classes. I gave 1D a horrible review and now I'm writing this peppy blog. It's a bad class. That's all there is to it. It's not me. It's not the host of other 27 students that did a great job today. It's 6 or 7 puny 13-year-old brats who don't know their left hand from their right. I'm okay with that.
One of my favorite things about this job is that I'm learning to go with it, to create lessons on the fly (still working on this), to be unquenchably resourceful and resilient. These things take self-confidence and poise.
I can't believe it. Japanese junior high school boys are going to shape my character. I never dreamed I could learn from someone who carved 'sex' into their classroom wall.
Well, today I had one of those classes. I can't say that this is the best time in my life. Last night, Kody almost missed the bus that got him to Kobe where an angel had to help direct him to the correct trains so he could get to the airport on time to catch his flight. Thank the Lord for young Japanese people who want to speak English and/or help foreigners. Also, it's freezing. I'm exhausted; I haven't had a weekend sleep-in day for a while AND I'm looking towards two 9-6 rehearsals this weekend in a far away town where I'll only be utilized for 1 hour. For 20 minutes, I'm a star. Those 20 minutes cost a lot. Yay female parts. Anyway, I'm overwhelmed. But today, I can happily say, I transcended my circumstances.
I think there is a fine line between not caring about your class and not caring about your students. The first means that you don't get your feelings hurt everytime things don't go as planned. The second means you just don't care at all. I'm attempting to master the first without inadvertantly falling into the second. Ichi-D, ichinensei, is probably the WORST first grade class. There is a bank of 4 troublemakers that sit on the far left and a bank of 2 or 3 lesser trouble makers that sit on the right. Up until this point, I've been a bit shy to these students. It takes a lot of ego to go into that classroom with gusto. But today, I threw everything out the window. I've learned that drawing attention to students - not in a negative way, I'm almost incapable of scolding them - does loads for their participation. I FORCE them to participate. So today, instead of avoiding the trouble-makers, I sought them out. I walked up to 13 year old boys that were writing 'I love play sex' on their papers and asked them if they liked playing baseball.
The class didn't go very well. It took forever to get them to do the first activity which entailed writing two past tense sentences on a piece of paper folded in four. I studied English. I played the piano. This is easy stuff. Even for 13 year old Japanese kids. If all else failed all they had to do was copy two of the 10 sentences I'd written on the board. The teacher and I forewent the last activity, which was playing a dice game with a neat little gameboard because there were only 7 minutes left in class after the other activities. We played tic tac toe instead. It wasn't ideal, but we managed.
Now, I feel great. It's absurd. I came back to my email and started a log to keep track of my classes. I gave 1D a horrible review and now I'm writing this peppy blog. It's a bad class. That's all there is to it. It's not me. It's not the host of other 27 students that did a great job today. It's 6 or 7 puny 13-year-old brats who don't know their left hand from their right. I'm okay with that.
One of my favorite things about this job is that I'm learning to go with it, to create lessons on the fly (still working on this), to be unquenchably resourceful and resilient. These things take self-confidence and poise.
I can't believe it. Japanese junior high school boys are going to shape my character. I never dreamed I could learn from someone who carved 'sex' into their classroom wall.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Paradox
A Royal Caribbean cruise ship docks in the north of Haiti. Passengers feel “disturbed.” They think there is something, hmm, shall we say coldhearted about their enjoying pina coladas on the beach when they know that less than 100 miles away, people are trapped in rubble and having appendages amputated. The big wig of Royal Caribbean responds on their website. He says they bring much needed economic perks to the region and are helping deliver supplies to the victims.
I found this article interesting because it highlights the paradox that is western affluence. Hearing about the horrors in Haiti one isn’t sure whether to feel guilty or blessed. Are we lucky that this hasn’t happened to us, or should we feel guilty that we live in a country that isn’t already ravaged by hunger and is large enough that when disaster strikes, help is close at hand? Though, I’m sure the victims of hurricane Katrina didn’t feel guilty for living in the U.S.
I’m prone to agree with the Royal Caribbean big wig. Americans aren’t going to stop taking vacations just because there’s a horrible disaster in Haiti, but they WILL feel squeamish about seeing their own decadence in light of such a disaster. If the cruise line docked anywhere else, it wouldn’t change the fact that the passengers were having a lovely vacation while people were dying – not so very far away. And if the ship is indeed bringing needed supplies to the region it seems like the right decision, though not so popular a decision, for the company to make.
I’m having difficulty categorizing the passengers’ responses, however. Do I look upon them with disgust, attributing their own “disturbed” feeling to a desire to remain oblivious to what’s happening rather than facing it for what it is? Or should I view it as a natural human reaction to inequality? Much like healthy human beings should be appalled by the horrific violence of the holocaust?
I woke up a couple mornings ago with an overwhelming feeling of luck, or good karma, or something. As I rode my bicycle to school, I thought about how blessed/lucky I was. Jesus said not to be astounded by bad things happening in the world, but rather to be astounded by the fact that they haven’t happened to you. I still haven’t figured out why he said this, but that’s no surprise. When I’m home, I live in one of the most advanced countries in the world. Even in Japan, I live in such a country. Good grief, they have iPods, KFC, and fiber optic internet here. I have a place to live, a job, an education, a bicycle (;P), and plenty to eat. I have 2 coats. I have so much family, it would be very difficult to ever be homeless. It’s so good, it’s “disturbing.”
But maybe Jesus said that because it’s not about where you live or who you were born to be. In the flash of a bomb, all of this could change. It wouldn’t even take that, actually. A car accident could turn my world upside down. So maybe it is a matter of feeling blessed, thankful, and aware. Aware that life is something to be enjoyed for today.
I found this article interesting because it highlights the paradox that is western affluence. Hearing about the horrors in Haiti one isn’t sure whether to feel guilty or blessed. Are we lucky that this hasn’t happened to us, or should we feel guilty that we live in a country that isn’t already ravaged by hunger and is large enough that when disaster strikes, help is close at hand? Though, I’m sure the victims of hurricane Katrina didn’t feel guilty for living in the U.S.
I’m prone to agree with the Royal Caribbean big wig. Americans aren’t going to stop taking vacations just because there’s a horrible disaster in Haiti, but they WILL feel squeamish about seeing their own decadence in light of such a disaster. If the cruise line docked anywhere else, it wouldn’t change the fact that the passengers were having a lovely vacation while people were dying – not so very far away. And if the ship is indeed bringing needed supplies to the region it seems like the right decision, though not so popular a decision, for the company to make.
I’m having difficulty categorizing the passengers’ responses, however. Do I look upon them with disgust, attributing their own “disturbed” feeling to a desire to remain oblivious to what’s happening rather than facing it for what it is? Or should I view it as a natural human reaction to inequality? Much like healthy human beings should be appalled by the horrific violence of the holocaust?
I woke up a couple mornings ago with an overwhelming feeling of luck, or good karma, or something. As I rode my bicycle to school, I thought about how blessed/lucky I was. Jesus said not to be astounded by bad things happening in the world, but rather to be astounded by the fact that they haven’t happened to you. I still haven’t figured out why he said this, but that’s no surprise. When I’m home, I live in one of the most advanced countries in the world. Even in Japan, I live in such a country. Good grief, they have iPods, KFC, and fiber optic internet here. I have a place to live, a job, an education, a bicycle (;P), and plenty to eat. I have 2 coats. I have so much family, it would be very difficult to ever be homeless. It’s so good, it’s “disturbing.”
But maybe Jesus said that because it’s not about where you live or who you were born to be. In the flash of a bomb, all of this could change. It wouldn’t even take that, actually. A car accident could turn my world upside down. So maybe it is a matter of feeling blessed, thankful, and aware. Aware that life is something to be enjoyed for today.
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