Changes are never easy. I always find them especially difficult. I hate the uncertainly. I am happy that change often acts as a catalyst for growth. This is why I embrace it, but I usually don't enjoy it. I love growth. I love seeing where I am now compared to where I was before. What is your life if you're not changing and growing for the better (hopefully!)?
I'm moving into my last five weeks in Japan. I plan on departing August 5. On August 5, I will leave Japan, possibly forever (who knows), and on August 5, I will step onto the continent of N. America for the first time in 19 months. I will move back in time 16 hours.
This last month has been a haze of activity. Last week, I had something going on 5 out of 7 nights. It was a bit much, and it just continues. I had friends over twice, I went to an Okinawan restaurant, I sang karaoke, I went to an enkai with a bunch of JETs and Japanese people. Last night was the Sayonara Party. Today, I went to church, then came home and watched, "Wit," the HBO adaptation of Margaret Edson's Pulitzer-Prize-winning play. It's fantastic. I barely have to say that. It makes me cry. So good. I challenge people who believe exclusively in science to watch it or read it.
I'm tired though. I really, really am. There is too much going on right now. But I don't think it will stop. Sometimes, don't you just want rest? From...life or something? From defending yourself? From being strong all the time? Sometimes I get really sick of being nice to everyone and not trying to inconvenience anyone. I hate bothering people. I hate causing problems, so I usually just walk away. I'm speaking in broad generalities now - probably because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Sometimes I'm just too tired to smile and nod and retreat. That's my general rule. Aggression, I find, is almost always pointless. Usually I don't find it that hard to ward it all off, but when I'm tired, and emotionally compromised (you try living in a country for two years and then leaving), I do. I don't want to defend my actions to anyone. And I don't want to be unnecessarily criticized for my beliefs, my actions, or my personal decisions. At times like this, I feel like snapping, but I don't. Why? Because I know it's a passing feeling, and I know my snapping would mean more trouble than snapping is worth. As cool as it looks in the movies, it rarely works out so well in real life. Yes, this is a rant. Yes, it's somewhat veiled. Thank you for reading anyway.
I guess it's superfluous to say that I've been moody lately. I find myself drawn to extreme states of being. One day euphoric, the next utterly depressed. It's annoying. It's weird to go up and down like this. I can feel the weight of the buckets of tears that will be wrung from my body in the next five weeks. When I think about this, I don't want to go to school anymore, and I don't want to say goodbye to one more person. I've barely even started. I don't want to begin. "Parting is such sweet sorrow..." isn't really so true is it?
Amen, but coming home is where the "sweet" part starts ;) I Love You.
ReplyDeleteFor the first part of this post, that's something I've been thinking about a lot. People are so contrarian that way; we learn and grow through change IE: cognitive dissonance; we are also such creatures of habit that we fear the very catalysts of our growth as people. I wish I had an answer as to why this is, or how to fix it, but I suppose that's not for me to determine.
ReplyDelete